I was thinking of one of my friends telling me about their condition where their brains feel like a racing car but the pilot is a novice driver. And I couldn't it put better into words that I feel the same way.

I'm being bombarded with ideas almost every day and all of them feel so attractive, so alluring to work on. The problem is that it results in a plethora of unfinished projects.

And then it feeds into the lack of confidence, belief that everything I'm starting is not going to be finished.

What is this "being finished" even means? Some goal or closure we decide ourselves. You need to feel like you did something. Otherwise it's just a lost time and effort.

So here you are standing in a gym and you can decided that you're done by doing 1 squat or doing so much that your body will start to fall apart. Setting the goal is tough.

I wanted to make an RTS game but then the real war in Ukraine has started so my goals shifted. Grinding pixel art for work to have some means for me and my family in case if something will happen.

Knocking on the wood.

I still want to make games and small creative projects, but the lack of focus, pressure of doing stuff I need to do in order to leave a peaceful life is looming over my head as a reminder "you gotta work!"

It's nice to have a vacation at least to regroup and think of everything. I was burned out by many things. Combining fulltime job, french course, personal life and trying to find some time to rest squeezed out everything inside me.

And finally when I have time to rest, I feel a sense of guilt for doing so. Like there is so much of spare time to finally do all that I wanted to do.

"Отъебитесь от себя", I don't even know how to translate that... But this phrase made me laugh so hard.

Writing it all here makes me feel a bit of a relief.

I wanted to write something without making it be a whole article with structured thoughts that lead to something specific and maybe useful.

I'm terrified with a thought of being judged, hence why everything I'm doing should go through a crash test. Rarely something survives. Many ideas go straight into the trash bin.

Do people even make logs like this to be read by someone? And why do I bother that much... The only way of not being judged is not to exist.

I wish to be a bit more confident at least with my own thoughts. Not to look at them through the lens of people I create in my head. And the dumbest part is that no one need to say a single word. I do all that myself.

Why? Justification is usually "you are in control" so saying nothing and following orders/popular trends it is. And then on a contrary I feel like I'm loosing control of my own actions. I'm smart enough to understand it but dumb enough to continue to follow this pattern.

It wears me down almost every day. Pretending to like this to be validated, pretending not to like that to avoid being accused by association. I sometimes want to be open with the fact that I love many things and not to feel alienated.

Even here I struggle to say that I'm scared. Pretending to be stable just to live another day. But there's something encouraging in a thought that I somehow continue to seek for a way to change things for the better.

I still don't know what do I want to do with this website, do I want it to be professional looking or it to be me. I fear that I'm unappealing in any way... Why can't I trust my own taste. Or I just fear of pointing fingers because this is how it used to be in my childhood.

I'm gonna take a nap.

A desire to disappear in the forest is often being brought up as a verbalized sentiment of fatigue. Of course it's rare that someone considers leaving all the commodities behind.

But I find something attractive in this idea. The concept of a place that helps you to declutter a rather busy headspace. Otherwise it's like trying to think in a room with a loudspeaker on. It's hard to touch the grass when everything around you is covered with asphalt.

The idea that there is no time to rest is toxic and dehumanising. There is no time to rush.

Nina Jäger, Détente (2022)

I guess the point is to stop receiving the new information and to reflect upon everything you collected thus far.

Slowing down, reflecting about something not aimed at efficiency may seem to be just a quirky form of self-entertainment. And I understand that I judge and censor myself for being pretentious. But the more careful I'm trying to choose my words, the more I limit my expression.

I want to have this forest where I can say "fuck it". It's not a public park, it's a rough jungle without a clear trail that leads somewhere.

Nothing is so terrible as a pretentious movie, a movie that aspires for something really terrific and doesn’t pull it off is shit, it’s scum, and everyone will walk on it as such. And that’s why poor filmmakers, in a way, that’s their greatest horror, is to be pretentious.

So here you are on the one hand, to try to aspire to really do something, on the other hand you’re not allowed to be pretentious. Why don’t you say fuck it, I don’t care if I’m pretentious or not pretentious or if I’ve done it or haven’t done it, all I know is that I’m gonna see this movie, and that for me it has to have some kind of answers, and by answers I don’t mean just a punchline, but answers on about 47 different levels, and it’s very hard to talk about these things without sounding corny, you use a word like self-purgation or epiphany, they think you’re either some kind of religious weirdo or asshole college professor, but those are the words for the process, this transmutation, this renaissance, this rebirth, which is the basis of all life.

Francis Ford Coppola,
Hearts Of Darkness: A Film Maker’s Apocalypse (1991)

I used to collect video games until I started to notice that I don't have enough time to play them. I figured they have better chances of being played by someone else if they are not collecting dust on my shelf.

It doesn't feel right to me sitting on them like a dragon on a pile of gold. Like that chunko-pop guy from Cruelty Squad. Looking back at it, the pile of games wasn't even that big in comparison to your average youtube game collector.

On the other hand the fear of forgetting something significant, loosing a capsule of a potentially pleasant experience is understandable and valid. I just wish there was someone I could share it all with.

But at the end the value is always something we personally attach to objects. The thought that our belongings are only temporarily rented from the universe comforts me deeply for some reason. "Every Monopoly game ends the same way: it all goes back in the box”.

Shortly after creating this website I stumbled upon the first road block. It's the mindset that everything should be useful for me or for others, otherwise the thing won’t have a reason to exist.

The fear of wasting someone’s time and disappointment in myself. These thoughts can lead me into the trap “I won’t lose if I ain’t playing”. But it subconsciously makes me cut any impulses to do anything in the first place.

The monkey brain knows that the only way to get a banana is to do a funny flip. And it's easy to go circles with this thought - mastering the sickest flip techniques. It can be entertaining for a moment, but even then our needs do not limit to the entertainment.

There's something cathartic about writing. And besides it’s tickling my brain that someone will be able to read it and have their own thoughts on that even if I may never know.